Feelings
by Wedjatqi
Summary: “He wanted to ask her out. It was a simple thing really. Yet, it was also massive in its consequences.” JT. Mild Search and Rescue spoilers.


**Spoilers**: Mild 'Search and Rescue' of Season 5.

**Disclaimers**: I own no part of the Stargate world, I make no money from this endeavour. Let my muse play.

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The hallway was quiet as John stood outside her door. He waited as he worked to gather himself for what he wanted to do.

He stared at the closed door to her quarters, knowing that she would be in there at this time of the evening. He studied the Ancient door, but his real focus was internal.

He wanted to ask her out. It was a simple thing really. Yet, it was also massive in its consequences.

They were good friends and she was the finest team mate he had ever served with. But, the truth was that his feelings ran a lot deeper than that.

He knew he was bad at expressing himself and he knew he sucked at being emotionally honest. He liked to keep people distant from his deeper self, liked to keep things superficial. A psychologist long ago had told him that he had problems with intimacy and relationships. John had joked that as far as every report from every woman so far he was in fact very good at intimacy. The psychologist hadn't laughed, only gave him a reproachful look over his glasses.

It had been true of course. John knew that. He knew that he was bad at The Feelings. He liked to keep life as light as possible and just get on with his work. He entertained himself with music, sports, and the occasional date with a beautiful woman, but besides that he rarely thought about what that psychologist had told him.

Living and working in Atlantis challenged him in every way and surprisingly enough for him it was most challenging for him in The Feelings department. Here he had good friends, no make that; great friends. Together they had all faced death and chaos more times than he could count. They protected each other, cared for each other and had become his family.

John's real family had rejected him long ago, and though since his father's death he had begun to reconnect with the rest of the Sheppard extended clan, he still considered these people here his closest family.

And through the years members of that family had been hurt, had been killed and had been lost. Those times had cut so deep that John had struggled to remain distant, and to keep The Feelings at bay.

His standard technique to suppress it all by locking it all away in a box deep down wasn't as effective as it had once been. Here in Atlantis his friends respected him, but also challenged his distance as well. Teyla most of all.

She had challenged him in all manner of ways and his feelings for her had not dimmed. He respected her and loved her.

That last thought was the most intense to handle. He glanced both ways down the corridor once more to make sure no one was coming. Happy he was still alone he found he had not been able to side step that thought; his feelings for her were so much more than 'just good friends'.

She had had another man's son though. That had hurt, more than he would ever have imagined. After she told him he had not taken it too well, had tried to keep the distance and literally stayed away from her. But, she would not allow it, instead challenging him in the locker room in front of everyone.

She had pulled him back in and he couldn't stay away. He had wanted to help her find her people, wanted to help her handle her growing pregnancy, but it required a sacrifice on his part. And he gave it as best as he could. He didn't listen to his own desperate thoughts to keep away from her, to back away from the source of so much internal pain. But he couldn't. The truth was he cared for her too much.

That freaked him out, but again he tried to repress it all. Then she had been taken during the last stages of her pregnancy by Michael. John had not stopped until he found her again and found her he did. Torin had been born during that rescue and she had actually given Torin his second name in honour of him. John wasn't sure what exactly he did that deserved such an honour, as it had been Rodney who had helped with the birth and Ronon was like a brother to her.

He had thought that Torin's presence in the city would have been a constant reminder of the fact that her affections had been given to another. Kanaan, Torin's lost father, had saved them back on Michael's ship and John had to grudgingly respect the man for that. That he had been killed weeks later in the next battle against Michael had been a heavy blow for Teyla, but he knew she must have seen it coming. Kanaan had not really wanted to leave Michael. He said it was to protect them, but John thought it had been the genetic influence of Michael's retrovirus.

Teyla mourned Kanaan's loss in the way she did everything; with open honesty. He admired her for that. And though he secretly hated himself for being kind of glad that Kanaan was out of the picture, he did feel pain for her and for little Torin John.

So, John had pushed all those feelings back into his box and things returned to something as close to normal as life got in the Pegasus Galaxy and their friendship continued.

But, John had realised by then that what he felt for her was so much more. He had been happy to withhold it all and to keep his distance from her. But… somewhere along the line the thought had occurred to him that whether she liked him or not was one thing, but did she actually know how he felt was quite another.

The question had played on his mind for days, forcing him into uncharacteristic quiet isolation in which he pondered the nature of The Feelings he had for life in general and for her.

She was a team mate and that was important, but surely the chance at a deeper relationship than that was as equally as important to him? That fact had brought him to her doorway this evening. He wanted her to know he felt more. It was that simple.

It had taken him hours of pacing randomly around the city 'on his way' to her quarters, trying to put off what he really wanted to do.

Now here he stood contemplating the door to her quarters and trying to arrive at his moment of courage in which he would actually talk to her about this.

What if she said no? He had considered that over and over, playing out scenarios of all worst possible outcomes, and at its exhaustive end the possibilities all seemed rather distant to the thought that he could go on forever without knowing. What if she met someone else again? He would have missed his chance and it would be no one's fault but his own.

He always liked to think he was a brave man, not a hero, but a man who did what was needed when it was needed. And somehow _this_ needed to be done here and now, and he was going to see it through.

He was aware that this was a massive break through of sorts for him in his life thus far. Teyla meant potentially more to him than any woman since his first love all those many years ago. That had been another reason why he had held back.

She would demand emotional honesty from him he knew. But, then she had always had the ability to make him talk about what he felt, be it in small random moments. Yet, still emotionally he felt closer to her than he had to someone in a very long time. And the ultimate truth was that he liked it. He liked that she wanted to know about him. True she was open and honest with everyone, but he liked to think that he meant a lot to her; after all she named her son after him, which had to count for something didn't it?

He took a breath and stepped closer to her door and tried to remember what he had thought to say to her, but it all was a bit vague now after all those intense thoughts. He waved his hand over the crystals that would announce his presence to her and told himself to just wing it.

There was an excruciatingly long pause and then the door parted to reveal her in her beautiful glory. She was dressed in a long sleeved colourful top and long dark trousers. John had chosen to wear civvies for this conversation, hoping to keep work things out of his head and the conversation.

She smiled brightly up at him, her pleasure and surprise at seeing him obvious in her expression.

"John. Is everything alright?" She asked.

He hated that arriving at her door might mean nothing more than something work related had occurred, but he guessed that was partly his fault having only arrived at her door before due to those situations.

"Everything's fine. I hope I didn't wake you or Torin?" John said politely.

"No, he is fast asleep." She said with emphasis, obviously happy that Torin was sleeping for long periods now.

"Good." John replied. "I was wondering if we could talk for a bit." He managed to say.

A light frown creased her forehead momentarily, but it disappeared again as she smiled and stepped away from the door. "Of course, come in John."

He entered her quarters, taking in the small differences now that Torin was around. She had new quarters, one with an extra small room for the nursery. John and Ronon had helped put the crib together whilst Rodney had supervised. They all knew she had been quite capable of constructing the crib herself, but it had been a team effort that John had really enjoyed. But tonight he wanted to keep the nursery and the team out of the conversation.

The door slid shut behind him and she waved him over to a chair. She began to pick up several fallen toys as she made her way over to sit opposite him on the edge of her bed.

She looked at him with welcoming open eyes, her eyebrows lifted in silent invitation for him to begin the 'conversation'. He could tell by her expression that she had no idea what he was going to say and was perhaps concerned that he was here to tell her something bad. He only hoped he wasn't.

"I…umm." John began slowly. He leant forward placing his elbows onto his knees and interlinked his hands between his knees. But, that felt too defensive so he sat upright, which felt too formal. He shook his head at his behaviour and she smiled questioningly.

He took a breath. "Teyla, I wanted to talk with you about something important." He almost rolled his eyes at that. She nodded encouragingly. "I wanted to talk about…something I've been feeling for quite awhile now." He started.

She nodded again, and he looked at her dark eyes and realised he was about to change both their lives. Even if she wasn't interested, what he was about to say would change their friendship forever. And she didn't know it was about to happen.

"I wanted you to know…not pushing anything though, but I wanted you to know how I…feel." He said. "About you."

She had had her head angled forward as if trying to help him through his struggled sentence, but now she drew back and regarded him with surprise.

"In that..." He continued wanting to make it clear. "I…feel more for you than as just a friend." He managed to get out. He was immensely proud of himself then for having gotten successfully through that sentence.

She smiled at that, but said nothing else, instead waiting for him to finish as he spluttered on.

"I know that we're team mates and friends?" He found himself checking on that last word. She nodded her agreement. "And I don't want that to end, but I wanted you to know…how I felt." He stated. "In case…you might…want to know that." He added and cringed inside as he heard himself.

And there it was all out in the open, all the words and The Feelings spoken out loud for her to hear. And he felt suddenly tired and nervous. He looked over at her where she sat no more than two feet away from him. She drew in a breath and looked away and he began to think of exit strategies, but then stopped. He needed to hear what she was going to say. This was it. He could barely believe he had actually done this!

She looked back at him, and smiled, looking down and away slightly. He realised that she was actually blushing slightly, something he hadn't seen her do before. At least he had managed that he thought.

"John." She started as she looked back up at him, and his heart began to hammer in his chest and he felt very warm all of a sudden. "I feel more than friendship for you as well."

And there is was, so simply and suddenly put. He replayed the words again to make sure he hadn't misheard them.

"You do?" He asked, hearing the surprise and pleasure in his voice.

She smiled at him, her eyes sparkling with amusement. "Yes. I do, John."

"You're sure?" He found himself asking.

She laughed lightly at that. "Yes, John."

He couldn't keep the smile from his lips and he found himself nodding along with her.

"Okay." He said with feeling.

They sat then for an odd moment both smiling slightly self consciously at their new found knowledge.

John realised he hadn't planned beyond this imagined point. In truth he had imagined the negative outcomes more. Now, here he was opposite the most beautiful woman, who had just admitted she liked him too and he was stunned. What should he do now? How do you court Teyla?

It occurred to him then that though they had shared their feelings, they hadn't ascertained whether they wanted to pursue it. He certainly did, especially now he knew. Wow, Teyla actually liked him!

"Then, would you like to have dinner with me sometime?" He asked carefully.

She smiled again, a bright toothy smile that made his heart run even faster. "Yes. I would like that."

"When?" He found himself asking.

"Tomorrow?" She answered.

"Okay." He replied happily. It all still felt rather surreal. He was going on a date with Teyla tomorrow.

They looked at each other for a long moment, and John felt his skin must be brightly flushed and knew he must be staring at her wide eyed. But then she was staring back at him with a new promising look in her eyes that John certainly had never seen before from her. He had a driving need to kiss her then, but he had never kissed Teyla before. Well there had been that one time he had kissed her when he was turning into a bug, but that could hardly count now.

She lifted an eyebrow at him then, whether it was in invitation or just in acknowledgement to what she had seen in his eyes he wasn't sure. He decided they had shared enough for tonight and he should probably go.

"Right, okay." He said as he stood up abruptly. "I should go then. I don't want to keep you from Torin or anything." He knew the excuse was weak, but she was nodding, playing along with the story.

She walked with him across the small distance to her door and they paused.

"So, I'll see you tomorrow." He said. "In the morning anyway, for the meeting with Woolsey." He was rambling.

She nodded, but her hand came out and settled against his upper arm, and he looked down at her. He looked from her darker than usual eyes to her lips without any conscious thought. He had wanted to kiss her for so long, had dreamt of doing so.

Her lips twitched with another smile and he drew his eyes quickly away from their temptation. She leant in towards him, lifting up slightly on her toes. He dipped his head and focused on her approaching inviting lips.

It was a soft brief kiss. She pulled back from his lips and smiled again. It wasn't enough for John, so he reached up and slid his hand round the back of her neck under the warmth of her loose hair and drew her back to him.

This time her body came closer to his, her warm hands steadying herself against his chest. As he had been so honest with his words he decided to be as honest with his kiss and took some time to lavish attention to her pump lips. He licked over her lower one and her mouth parted for him. He pressed deeper, pulling her closer to him and felt her hands stroke up over his shoulders and up around his neck as she pulled him closer in return.

She murmured into the kiss, a small sound of pleasure that heightened John's senses beyond what he was happy to push with her this evening. He pulled back slowly from the kiss and she let him, pulling back as well. But, as they parted lips she did not move fully away from him. She stayed close to his mouth still and he heard her breathe in. He did the same, enjoying the close intimate smell of her and he rubbed his hands over her back.

He brushed his nose and lips against her cheek, nuzzling her gently, captivated by her closeness and the feel of her upper body still pressed against his. Her hands tightened at the back of his neck briefly and then slid down his shoulders as she pulled back from him.

He let her go, but kept his hands against her as she pulled back, enjoying the sensation of her under his touch. She smiled up at him as she stood back, one of her hands dropped to touch his and he caught hold of it gently.

He enjoyed the look of pleasure in her eyes and the fullness of her lips from his kisses.

"Good night, Teyla." He said, his tone deep and held more suggestion than he had intended.

Her eyes sparkled again as she squeezed his hand. "Good night, John. I look forward to tomorrow."

Somehow the door opened, perhaps it had been him he wasn't sure and he stepped through it, but kept his eyes on her as he did. She let his hand go once he was outside and they shared another smile. He felt like a love sick teenager again as he stepped backwards away from her door.

"I'll see you tomorrow." He said, not really wanting to leave.

She smiled knowingly at him before he had to look away to walk down the corridor. He looked once more back over his shoulder and watched as her door slid shut obscuring her smile from him. He watched the closed door for a moment, the one which he had stared at for so long before he had entered. He smiled and sauntered slowly back to his quarters planning where they could go on their date tomorrow night and replaying the feel of her lips against his.

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END


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